July 12, 1991
Today was a pretty good day. We had zone conference from 9:00 am to 2:00 pm. After that, we went down to Ze Mous’a place. It really went well because we had a member lady go help us teach his wife. His wife was really excited to pray about it and find out the truth. After that, we went on team-ups. I went with one of the Cambodian Elders, Elder Webster, and went and taught a discussion to a Cambodian family. Then we went to see Boun Pheng and his family. That went just awesome too. I know that things here are going to happen soon. I can not wait! I am really praying hard that things will come through for all of our investigators. (Notice the immediate enablement from CTR and not calling Kristin. Also because he wrote down what the spirit taught him- see July 11th. Dad didn’t just figure it out. He was open to the spirit and was taught this principle.)
I have felt the Spirit stronger today than I have in a long time. it feels so good. I guess everybody has their ups and downs, but it seems like the last few weeks have been a down. It sure feels nice to have an up.
Surprise again! No mail today. i guess that’s just the way it goes. I wish that there was some way to tell my family how important their letter are to me. Kristin is really busy with school. I just wish she could take enough time out for us to be close. I guess she’ll spend time with those people doing the things that are most important to her.
7/7/1991- 7/13/1991
Dear President,
Well, things have really picked up here during the last half of this week. We are really looking forward to the next couple of weeks. The threesome up here is working out well, although I’m not sure to what extent we are utilizing our third member. Team ups have been at the rate of about 8/hours a week. Hopefully that will increase this coming week. The last couple of weeks have been kind of tough, but things are rally starting to pick up again. The Lord never lets us struggle too long, just enough to keep us humble. It seems as though things will be busy here for the next couple of months at least, just with the contact we have now. i wish I could slow things down. My time as a missionary is going by way too fast. Time flies when your having fun.
July 13, 1991
What a busy day! I feel like things around here have been going absolutely non-stop! I have been to the hospital, taught discussions, been to a wedding, and basically gone crash trying to keep up with everything.
I got an envelope from Kristin today. She sent me 11 pictures and a not that said she loves me. Once again, she made my day. I can’t believe how beautiful she is! I wish I knew more about what she is doing, what she found out in Heber, how she is feeling, if she is sleeping better, what she is scared about, how her school work is going, and all of that other stuff that missionaries worry about. I want to be close to her so badly, but it is pretty difficult to be close to her when I don’t know anything about what is going on in her life. I mean, I understand that she is busy, but I can’t help but feel like she thinks that she can just set our relationship aside for a period of time and just pick-up where we left off whenever she wants. I also find it hard to believe that she honestly doesn’t have time to tell me all of that stuff. i can’t help but wonder what she spends her time doing and who with. We all make time for the things that we think are most important. I just wish she could see what this time “apart” does to us. Why can’t she see how much she means to me? Where is my Kristin? (If Kristin had really been committed to dad, she would have been doing everything she could to spiritually support him and encourage him to choose the right. She would have been thinking more of him than herself and what was best for him in the long run. Kristin used dad for attention and then ignored him when she could get it else where. These are some important patterns to look for when you are dating. If someone really loves you they will sacrifice and they will encourage you to do the right thing even when it is hard. If someone is not doing that, then they aren’t the right girl for you.)
July 14, 1991
Today was a pretty lousy day. (Kristin pulled him away from the spirit again) It all started this morning at about 3;00 am. I was have had the hardest tie sleeping lately. I guess I just have a lot going through my mind. Things with Kristin really worry me. It has been a long time (2-3 months) since I received a confirmation that Kristin is still the one for me. I don’t know what it is. I just feel like something is really missing. It scares me really bad. She seems so far away. I don’t know what the problem is. I don’t know if it is just that we have been apart for so long or what. I mean, I love Kristin with all of my heart, but things have been so up and down largely that i just don’t even know which way this whole thing is going. I just don’t know. (Kristin was a ‘wrong road’ for dad… Elder Holland’s story about choosing roads in the desert… It was the road he was to start on for some learning experiences, but not the permanent direction he was to go. The spirit is trying to communicate this to dad, but he is struggling with his will in the matter. He really wants it to work out. He has invested a lot of time and his heart into the relationship. Right now there isn’t another better option, so it is hard to go from something to nothing. The spirit knows what is going on with Kristin and he is trying to warn dad that this is not his path. When you are struggling with your will, you are not aligned to receive spiritual enablement. You will see this with dad.)
Church today was an absolute disappointment. I don't even know where everyone was. we didn’t have very many people there. In addition to that, not even one of our investigators showed up.)
That is enough of being a whimp! I feel better about things with Kristin. I have been listening to some old tapes. The same warm feelings just come flooding back. I have prayed about it and I just feel warm all over again. I wish that I could have back all of the tapes that she has sent to me. I think that I’ll ask her to send them to me. I love her with all of my heart. I just wish that I knew more about what was going on in her life now. ( Dad mistook the comfort the spirit was trying to give him when he prayed as confirmation that things would work out. This is very easy to do, especially when you have strong emotional feelings. I am adding these commentaries so that you will see patterns and learn from your dad’s experiences. Dad was very young and it is hard to see these things when you are in the middle of them. These were lessons that you dad understood looking back and things we had talked about. These are the things he would say to you if he were here to teaching you what to look for so that you choose wisely.)
July 18, 1991
It has been a few days since I wrote in my journal. I guess that there just has not bee a whole lot going on. Elder Barton has had diarrhea really bad for the last two days, so there hasn’t been a whole lot going on. we did go yesterday for an hour and teach a Hmong class to a bunch of Hmong kids. That was kind of fun.
Lately I have been feeling really burned-out. Where is my motivation? Where is it? Where is my desire? What have I been solo tired and weak? I found out Tuesday night that I can not get that motivation from anywhere also. It has to come from me. I have to be able to motivate myself to do this for however long the Lord wants me to. I just wish that I wasn’t always so died. i have tried just about everything I know how to do to get back up, but it all seems to get me down more. i don’t know what’s wrong. I have an interview with President Bott in about an hour. Maybe that will help me out.
I got a letter form Kristin yesterday. It made me realize how much she has really grown up. I don’t know why I didn’t realize it before, but she had really matured. She is chafing a lot she is really improving herself.
Well, my interview with President Bott went really well this morning. I told him about how I had been feeling largely. He asked me when the last time was that I took a full P-day. I couldn’t even remember. Anyway, he told me that i was to take three hours a week for myself. During those 3 hours, I am not to write letters, think about the work, or study. It is supposed to be time for just me. I honestly can’t remember the last time that I spent three waking hours like that. No wonder I feel so worn down.
President also told me that I am to spend the remainder of my mission developing qualities that will make me a desirable husband and a good father. Her told me that before I get married, I will have to learn to drive myself as hard a s I currently do without making those around me feel as though I expect them to do as much as me as well as me. This will enable me to be able to work hard and succeed without being hard on my wife and kids. The next 9 months hold a lot of lessons for me. President said that the Lord expects me to learn in the next 9 months what President has learned in the last 25 years. I’ve got so far to go. (This is the time that I had just met Josh and I was thinking those same things. I was focusing on what I needed to learn to be the best wife possible. Even though we did not know it, the Lord was preparing us both simultaneously. You’re dad did an excellent job with this. I never felt that he was putting me down. Of course, I could keep up pretty well with your dad ;)
I need to learn to take time out for me, even as a missionary.
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